Most people think stress comes from workload.

Sometimes it does. 

But one of the most overlooked sources of stress is something far quieter:
the effort it takes to continuously suppress, edit, perform, or override what is genuinely happening inside us.

“I’m fine.”
“No worries at all.”
“Happy to help.”
“It’s all good.”

Meanwhile the body says something entirely different.

Tight chest.
Shallow breath.
Jaw tension.
Mental exhaustion.
Irritability.
Overthinking after conversations.
A nervous system that never fully settles.

This is the cognitive and physiological cost of masking.

And most people are doing it far more often than they realise.

What masking actually is‍

At first glance, these behaviours may seem harmless.

Socially adaptive, even.

But biologically, they create a significant amount of internal work.

Because the body now has to manage two realities simultaneously: the internal experience, and the external performance. And that split creates strain.

The nervous system is constantly scanning for incongruence‍

Humans are wired to detect congruence.

Research around neuroception, a term developed by Dr. Stephen Porges through Polyvagal Theory, suggests the nervous system is continuously scanning both our environment and the people around us for cues of safety or threat.

Importantly, this process happens beneath conscious awareness.

The body notices:

• facial tension
• vocal shifts
• changes in breath
• eye movements
• emotional inconsistency
• behavioural incongruence

before the thinking mind fully catches up.

This is partly why watching someone bluff in poker can make your own body tense, even when nothing dangerous is happening to you directly.

Your nervous system detects the mismatch.

Lie detector tests work on a similar principle.

Polygraphs do not magically detect truth.
They measure physiological arousal:

• heart rate
• sweat response
• breathing changes
• muscle tension

Why?

Because maintaining incongruence requires effort. The body reacts when internal truth and external behaviour diverge.

Masking increases cognitive load‍

One of the reasons masking becomes so exhausting is because it significantly increases cognitive load. Now the brain is not only managing reality.It is managing presentation.

Research on cognitive load shows working memory has limited capacity, and when too much mental energy is directed toward monitoring behaviour, suppressing emotion, or managing impression, cognitive performance begins to decline.

This is why people often feel disproportionately exhausted after:

• conflict avoidance
• emotionally loaded meetings
• difficult conversations left unsaid
• performative professionalism
• people-pleasing
• suppressing frustration for hours at work

The nervous system remains partially activated because the body is still holding unresolved internal tension. And unresolved tension consumes energy.

Why difficult conversations often feel physically uncomfortable‍

Many people assume they struggle with difficult conversations because they are weak, overly emotional, or poor communicators. Usually, it is far more physiological than that.

Hard conversations create uncertainty:
Will I upset them?
Will I be rejected?
Will I damage the relationship?
Will I be perceived negatively?
Will this create conflict?

The nervous system interprets social risk very seriously because human beings evolved in highly relational environments where belonging mattered for survival.

Research shows social rejection and interpersonal threat activate many of the same neural pathways associated with physical pain and threat detection.

So when someone avoids honesty, over-accommodates, or suppresses their needs, it is often not manipulation. It is protection.

The problem is that short-term protection frequently creates long-term stress. Because what remains unsaid rarely disappears physiologically. The body continues carrying it.

And over time, this creates a workplace culture where people become increasingly disconnected from themselves while trying to remain connected to everyone else.

Ironically, the more people mask chronically, the harder genuine communication becomes.

Trust weakens.
Clarity decreases.
Resentment builds quietly.
Teams become more emotionally fatigued.

Not because people are incapable. Because maintaining a performance consumes enormous cognitive and physiological energy.

Truth is metabolically cheaper‍

One of the most fascinating things about congruence is that it reduces internal workload.

Truth requires less tracking.
Less monitoring.
Less self-protection.
Less behavioural management.

This does not mean brutal honesty or emotional dumping.

It means greater alignment between: what we feel, what we communicate, and how we behave.

That alignment matters physiologically.

Research consistently shows emotional suppression is associated with increased sympathetic nervous system activation, elevated stress responses, poorer wellbeing outcomes, and reduced relational connection over time.

The body relaxes when it no longer has to hold multiple competing realities at once.

For leaders reading this‍

Leadership often amplifies masking.

Many leaders feel pressure to:

• always appear composed
• have answers quickly
• suppress uncertainty
• emotionally contain everyone else
• remain endlessly capable

But teams do not build trust through perfection.

They build trust through regulated honesty.

That might sound like:

• “I don’t have the answer yet, but I’m working through it.”
• “Capacity is stretched right now.”
• “We need to have a direct conversation about this.”
• “I want to address tension before it builds.”

Psychological safety is not built through constant positivity.

It is built through congruence, clarity, and relational safety.

For teams reading this‍

Many people think professionalism means suppressing themselves constantly.

In reality, healthy workplaces require the opposite:
the ability to communicate clearly, respectfully, and honestly before tension becomes chronic.

That includes:

• naming workload concerns early
• setting realistic boundaries
• addressing misunderstandings directly
• communicating needs clearly
• reducing passive resentment
• tolerating healthy discomfort in conversations

Because avoiding short-term discomfort often creates long-term physiological strain.

Final thought‍

Many people are not anxious because something is “wrong” with them.

They are anxious because their nervous systems are carrying the weight of chronic incongruence.

The pressure of:

performing

suppressing

editing

monitoring

appeasing

overriding

protecting

all day long.

And eventually, the body starts asking for relief. Not through weakness. Not through failure. Through exhaustion.

Because human beings were never designed to live too far away from themselves for too long.